Ah yes… warm night air… shouts of excitement… the smell of warmed over nacho cheese… the slap of greasy manflesh smacking against its counterpart… people with no teeth… this can only mean one thing: Thursday night wrestling at the Morristown National Guard Armory!
two weeks ago Kate and i went to witness this spectacle along with a bunch of friends of ours. as soon as we arrived, our suspicions that we had picked good seats were confirmed: a ringside scuffle had erupted.
the opponents in the debacle were a man and woman defending the pride of their children (a small herd) against a villainous wrestler who insisted that they “take that bunch of bastard kids back to the house” (it is worth noting that it is common practice for a “bad guy” wrestler to take a lap around the ring before a match and insult anyone he might encounter along the way . “good guys” take the far nicer but less interesting route and give high fives). this comment inflamed the patriarch of the flock, and he had to be held back by security to keep from jumping the wrestler himself. his greasy bride also got involved and spouted some incendiary words towards the wrestler. his response was that she ought to “shut her mouth and get back in the welfare line”. things reached a definite fever pitch at this point, and the clan was promptly ejected from the event. we had found good seats, clearly.
during the match that ensued after that, i had the pleasure of getting a small cooler thrown at my vicinity from the other side of the ring by one of the wrestlers. inside this cooler was a very full and very open Gatorade which got my shoes and jeans very wet. awesomeness.
if you thought the action couldn’t possibly get any better, you would be wrong. how wrong? LADDER MATCH wrong. ROCK AND ROLL EXPRESS wrong. FIGHTING ROBOT wrong. that’s right, all of those things actually happened.
The ladder match was pretty sick! at the climax of the battle, a guy got powerbombed through a table. that alone was worth the price of admission.
Shockwave the Fighting Robot is a sensation from the far shores of Japan who came all the way to Morristown TN to beat some human ass purely for our entertainment. he is awesome to a level that i cannot accurately describe using words. to see him is the only way to experience the glory that is Shockwave. Could you imagine BEING Shockwave? No, you couldn’t. You’re a human. He didn’t come all the way from Japan to lose, of course. he beat ass, then left, probably to recharge, snack on some computer chips, go get a BYTE to eat, or RAM some computer babe. whatever he did afterwards, i’m certain that it was awesome.
The Rock and Roll Express is a tag team that i watched when i was merely a youngster transfixed by the glory of the WWF (now the WWE, of course). it was pretty cool to see them in the flesh, i can’t lie. they were kinda old and slow, so their wrasslin’ wasn’t nearly as action packed as, say, Menace (a super athletic, super black local wrestling star), but they were still pretty awesome.
it is also worth noting the amount of smack my friend Josh threw at every wrestler dumb enough to get within his vocal range. Josh has been to this thing several times and has probably already laid down a thick, sedimentary layer of smack that all the wrestlers can feel themselves stepping into. Josh laid down yet more smack atop this, creating a pillowy, humid, heavy atmosphere of purest trash talk that spared none. Fat wrestlers received insults as direct as “you can’t button your jumpsuit because you’re too fat” all the way to things as simply stated (yet still subliminally destructive) as “type 2 diabetes”. others got verbal grime such as “i hate you”, or “you look like Robert DeNero”. i think some of the comments may have even changed the tides of some of the matches.
you owe it to yourself to go. it was truly awesome in every way, from the wrestlers coming out to the tune of old Megadeth songs to the thin-haired, stern faced, bowling pin-shaped woman screaming “ROCK AND ROLL” unrelentingly at eardrum shattering volume. IT’S STILL REAL TO ME, DAMMIT!